a Jacket in The Closet

This is the first time I talk about it…

Denial…

They say there are four stages that we go through when a bad thing happens to u


It's a way to retain our sanity and a kind of protection from pain and feeling hurt

Denial…Depression….Anger…Acceptance .

It took me almost two years to get out of the first stage…starting from that night till tonight.

Acting as if there are no problems to face.

Never opening up to anyone…

Kept convincing myself that nothing has happened…

Nothing is wrong and all is the same…

That night was just a Horrible nightmare…

He was big…

So big…

No one can reach his place in my heart ever ever ever…

Not even close to it…

He is the reason of; I am whom I am !!

Since I was 10 years old, I hear them saying …whispering or shouting…

She is just like him…you're just like him…in a bad or a good way…it doesn't matter much to me.

I smile proudly and say : … yes I am .

Daddy's little gurl…Daddy`s dear Princess.

No, not spoilt…his love wasn't with hugs and kisses… I actually never hugged him.

Respect…till this age I never talked to him with eye contact.

How can I ?

He was big…

So big to me like no one else….

Sickness found its way to him…

I felt I'm dying instead of him…

I kept avoiding him…

Stopped going to see him…

I thank God when I go and he is not there…

Couldn't stand it, how can I ? felt my world crashing .

I used to cry to myself until I sleep, every time I see him…

But, Not after that night…

I stopped crying…

Deep inside I believe he is there sitting reading the manual of the new strange gadget he has just bought.

Trying to put it together with his glasses on and smoking a cigarette…

Yeah ….he was a tech and gadget freak….guess who took that from him !!

Deep inside all was fine…

Sometimes I ask myself ?

Why ?

What's wrong with me ?

I don't love him that much ?

But I knew it's beyond love…

Why tonight ?

Maybe I was feeling down already for some other reasons and felt crying might make me feel better.

I went to my closet to put my sleeping gown on, getting ready to sleep…

His jacket was there …I kept it don't know why…

He wore it the night before that night…when I got it ..I found a fancy pen…and a mobile cover for his new mobile he just bought….yeah he loves this stuff.

Stood there looking at it don't know for how long, took it out hugged it and went to bed…

In my dark room, feeling lonely …I cried like a baby for hours ..yes finally after two years…

I sat in my bed writing this, being sure now, I'm going to spend the day in bed… I really can't see my keyboard or my screen…tears all over my face..never cried harder ...

He is gone…

No longer around…

God answered his prayers…

He kept asking God to take his soul standing…

I know this so well…he is so proud and can't stand bothering others to do things for him in his sickness.

His illness didn't kill him! No…he died walking, crossing the street on his way to pray…

He got his wish…

Never hugged him…I always wanted and wished for a warm hug….but respect and being shy…

Took away that hug I never had in his life…..but I did have my hug that night… he didn't hug me back ....